This is a hard topic, but one most people can relate to. In relationships, we either have a high sex drive or low sex drive. Most couples don’t match 100% of the time.
Decrease sexual desire can be problematic, especially if it causes stress or anxiety and continues for more than 6 months. Decrease desire can also be problematic because there are SO MANY different causes. This is a problem that can be improved, or fixed, but there are no magic pills. -OK there are a few, but well get to that.
To start with, read this list and think about things that might be affecting your sex drive. Start changing some basic components of your life that aren’t working for you.
It probably isn’t one thing causing your desire to be elusive.
An incomplete list of possible culprits
- Sexual problems If you have pain during sex or don’t orgasm, that makes sex less exciting and can lead to long term decrease desire.
- Medical Problems If you are in pain, fatigued, or worried about your health, sex may be something you are not interested in.
- Medications Certain medications, especially antidepressants are known to decrease ones desire.
- Lifestyle habits Smoking marijuana or nicotine decreases blood flow, which may decrease arosal. A little alcohol may seem like a good idea to start, but to much will make sex less appealing for a variety of reasons.
- Fatigue If you are tired after your daily activities, you will likely not want to add one more thing onto your day.
- Menopause Hormone levels drop as we grow older. This can make you less interested in sex and cause vaginal dryness or other pain.
- Pregnancy If your feel fat and ugly during pregnancy, no wonder you don’t want to have sex. If you feel maternal, sex may also be unappealing. If your in pain every time you move, you probably don’t feel like sex.
- Emotional issues Stress, anxiety or depression definitely play a role in desire.
- Poor self image either about yourself or your partner, if you have gained weight the last thing you want to do is look at yourself naked. If your partner isn’t your ideal image, it may be leading to decrease desire.
- Low self-esteem
- Guilt
- History of physical or sexual abuse sex is only fun and enjoyable, when its fun and enjoyable.
- Previous negative sexual experiences If your partners have never really cared about your sexual experience, its hard to get excited about theirs.
- Lack of connection with your partner
- Relationship Conflicts In relationships this can be an issue for one person and not the other. We are two different beings after all.
- Trust issues
- Fear
Where to start
- Women need more foreplay to lubricate the vagina and relax the muscles. If you try and “push” through it might be self-defeating. You need to take a few extra minutes at the beginning. Don’t force yourself, but start over. Making sure your comfortable, or your desire will be less in the future.
- Use lubrication, It feels nice, smells good, and tastes good.
- Try to figure out your “ turn offs” and explain them to your partner. If your turn off is your partners turn on you will need to let them know. This may be hard, but if you are honest it will work in both of your best interest in the long run.
- Keep in mind your turn offs may not be an action. You need to dig deep on this one.
- Maybe you have pictures of your kids on your nightstand
- Perhaps that is the quilt your grandmother gave you for your wedding
- Maybe your nervous your dog is going to walk in on you and try and join
- Don’t let someone push you past your boundaries, but be open to suggestions.
- You need a vibrator. Even if you aren’t using it for enjoyment, it will help relax muscles, get blood flowing. You can use it on your own to try and get yourself ready or use it with your partner to increase the foreplay. Vibrators are a must especially if you find you are feeling dry or have pain of any kind.
- Pick a day so you don’t feel pushed at other times. This will free up some space and allow you to mentally have control. You can still change your mind, but you shouldn’t have to worry about sexual encounters. Sex doesn’t have to be spontaneous.
- Make it a mission to find something that sexually interest you, books or movies, that new vibrator…. If nothing does, its time to start over and find out what else may be playing a role in your lack of desire.
Less than magic – pills
Wellburtrin: This is an antidepressant that has been shown to help with sexual desire in some studies. This may be especially useful if you have some depression or anxiety.
Testosterone: If your menopausal estra-test is a great hormone replacement medication. If you are interested, talk to your doctor about the benefits and problems with this medication.